Within the last two years there's been two deaths that were a bit close to me.

The first was when my friend's mom died of cancer. It was weird. Our families had been close since 5th grade. We've had parties and thanksgivings together, when stuff was happening at my house during middle school and I couldn't stay home they let me sleep over. My friend's mom was a really nice person.

For a few weeks my parents had been visiting her in the hospital. But then one day they came home and told me she died. I didn't really feel anything, and I don't know if that makes me a bad person. I didn't know how to comfort my friend at all. We'd drifted apart over the years, and I knew it'd be awkward. At the funeral she was smiling, joking, and talking normally with me. I was happy that it seemed liked she was going to be okay. But I wonder if I should've said something to comfort her.

This years thanksgiving I stayed home while my parents went to a party. It made me think about how I'd spent past thanksgivings at that friend's house. I wondered how I'd felt if we'd spent it again with them this year, I wondered if I'd feel sad to see that her mom isn't there. But that type of thought made my feel sort of shitty. Someone is dead yet I somehow keep thinking about myself, about how I feel.

The second death was when someone in my school committed suicide this year. I wasn't particularly close to them but some of my friends were.

I was sort of angry with how the school acted. All they did was make an announcement and tell people they could go to guidance and speak to the counselors. They'd set up an area in the auditorium and libraby for people to talk about their feelings. But I just don't know if that was enough. Just last year someone else had died in my school, and similarly all they did was make and announcement and stuff. No day off so people could grieve.

The atmosphere felt so somber, especially in my first period. My math teacher had that kid as a student in one of her other periods. I remember a girl burst into tears that period and had to leave. During lunch I had no idea how to comfort my friends. One of them had gone really quiet and wasn't saying much. He had been in a discord call with that person just the other day. At some point he start talking, it was about how pissed off he was at the school. I didn't know what to say and all I could do was nod to show that I was listening. That day everything felt shitty. The school was shitty, lunch was shitty, and I felt like such a shitty person.

Death is weird and feels sort of surreal. I almost wish that I had felt sad so I could definitively put a label on my emotions. If I felt sad then at least I could find solace in the fact that I cared about that person. Instead it's like I'm viewing the aftermath of death, and seeing people crying while I'm the silent observer. It's like I'm watching a movie but it's real and I've forgotten all the lines that characters say to make people feel better but I guess it doesn't matter anyway because I doubt those lines would work in real life.